Time and Space
by NazoLuk3
Summary: Crack-fic. Why? Because the story's too "dark and deep." Drabbles of short fics and funny one-shots can be found here! Includes contradictions, kicks in the face, old man Snow, and more! Possible spoilers! Humor?-
1. Me Pet Thunderbolt

**2/11/12**

**Time and Space—Chapter 1.**

**Me Pet Thunderbolt**

**Author's Request: Readers, can you read my stories at 3/4 the size? Go to the link with the fraction 3/4 that is usually above the chapter list. It feels like a different experience.**

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><p>"Okay, that's it!" Noel looked towards the ex-soldier, quite frustrated, and pulled out her signature gunblade Blazefire Saber. Quick as the weather condition of rain—<p>

—Lightning. Cannot protect, only destroys.

Note that this isn't the real Lightning; just a realistic clone with everything that is so similar to the original. A monster. Only a few days have passed since the duo, Noel and Serah had "captured" the Coliseum's finest warrior. Currently, Noel added an adornment to the pink-haired girl, adding afro with a silver chocobo, only then to change the accessory with a windup key instead.

The windup key was inserted to the back of Lightning, making it seem as if she was a life-sized doll. "Maybe you do look like a doll," the young man remarked. "Oh wait." He held his giggle with his hands.

The clone swiftly swiped her gunblade at a diagonal angle, only to have the owner dodge by sliding backwards. She sneered. "Tch."

She lost some temper and placed the weapon back to its holster. Lightning reached to her back and attempted to pull of the windup key that magically stuck to her, as if Noel took some "super-super" glue and slapped it on her back. "Can you—" she struggled as she tried to tug away. "—at least remove this _confounded_ item?"

"Well, can I?" Noel replied. He smirked. She felt she was "trolled." "Trolled" by any other forces that decided to change Noel's _character_ in a way.

"_May_ you _please_ remove the windup key…?" she quietly asked. She thought, Etro, please switch places with the other me. I want to fight in Valhalla, not to be fooled around by some child. Even if I'm a clone, I do _not_ want to stay with these two.

"Hey guys, I'm back!" Lightning and Noel stared at Serah who was waving back, running from the opposite direction.

"What's up, Serah?" Noel questioned. He noticed that the younger sister's side pack was rather bulkier than last time.

"I got a great price with Chocolina, so I got tons of stuff! Ninety-nine potions, twelve PD's!" She jumped excitingly. Mog followed her as well, answering with an ecstatic "Kupo!"

The hunter was puzzled. "Why was there only twelve Phoenix Downs?"

"Because I equipped Grimoire's Hat on," Serah replied. "Also, I can just Paradigm Shift to a Medic and Raise the KO'ed."

Lightning felt ignored. She was just pleading the young man to remove the windup key only to be left in the dust by her "real" sister, talking all about.

…She didn't even know what in the world Serah was talking about.

Live Trigger. Clone Lightning thought in her head. Noel and Serah are ignoring me at present. What should I say to catch their attention about my dilemma?

—How 'bout I Paradigm Shift to Commando and Attack you?

— What about me?

—Just remove the key and we'll all be fine.

—…

She thought for a minute. Saying nothing would probably not change the situation. Paradigm Shifting, or whatever Serah said, won't make everything better either. Noel will probably leave that windup key on against my will. And…they would still ignore me even if I did ask.

She has decided.

She walked between the two, one arm hung on her waist and simply stated in a "cool," fashion way:

"What about me?"

There was complete silence. Not even the moogle squeaked.

Noel and Serah just stared. Bewildered.

Why…is everyone looking at me? Lightning thought.

Noel finally spoke. "So, Thunderbolt, wanna fight and recuit Daddy Bear Amodar?"

She snapped. The windup key on her back spun around as fast as her name calls. "What did you call me?"

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><p>Hello, I am going to make a parodyhumor fic. Each chapter is a different story, with possible exceptions. Do you think this story is funny enough? I wanted this for everyone to read, so I had a couple of restrictions when making this chap. This chap was randomly thought of in my head, ever since that Lightning DLC came out. I don't have the DLC, so I don't know any of her roles, attacks, monster options (naming, adornments, etc.) so bear with me. In the few months back, I had a couple of ideas in for this story, so stay tune!

P.S. Is the cast too OOC? I know, I did it on purpose!

-NazoLuk3


	2. My Life as a Seeress: I

**2/19/12**

**Time and Space—Chapter 2.**

**My Life as a Seeress: Part I**

**Author's Request: Readers, can you read my stories at 3/4 the size? Go to the link with the fraction 3/4 that is usually above the chapter list. It feels like a different experience.**

**Note: This chapter was created before the game came out, so no corrections on plot or anything! That will mean the other chapters coming soon!**

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><p><strong>Yaschas Massif, 010AF. Side A.<strong>

Hello. My name is Serah Farron, and I am at an adventure with this guy named Noel to stop crime and save time. Heh, that rhymed. Anyways, Yuel said that she and I are the same to show the others the way. I don't know what she means, but if it was those headaches that have pictures of my friends and families, those things were annoying.

Noel said that the word was "vision" based on how I described that feeling. I don't think there's proof of any events happening from these visions. Nothing happened yet, according to _my _predictions.

We are currently in the Yaschas Massif, in the year 10AF. We were asked to find someone's lost kitten, but that's a very difficult task. Luckily, we have Mog on our side. I asked, "You are going to help us, right Mog?"

He replied with the most _cutiest _voice ever. "Kuuupopo~!" He then proceeded to twirl like a top. Sooooo cute!

Noel chuckled along side me. "Well, the search is almost done; the only place left is the end of the Pass of Paddra. This particular cat is afraid of the dark."

"How do _you_ know?" I pouted, hanging both hands to my waist.

"I just listened to the person. Unlike you, who was dilly-dallying with Chocolina!" He rudely pointed a finger at me. Pointing is bad. I was in disgust. I explained to him that I did no such thing to a fellow time traveler who sells things for us. I ended, "Anyhoo, we'd better find the cat."

While Noel and I were searching, I found this great item I found by throwing Mog—

—Uh…sorry. I felt weak and fell. Spikes of light burned my body; that hurts you know! I had a vision. The pictures stopped and I felt a spell of dizziness because I see Noel shaking me back and forth. His speech was so blurred saying, "Srah…snp ou of ett! 'Ey!" My sight and hearing came back, so I asked him to repeat. "Snap out of it. What did you see in the vision?"

It…made no complete sense at all. All I saw was a chocobo flying and there were rubble everywhere. I told that to Noel, but he had no idea either.

"Let's just hope nothing happens," Noel concluded. I nodded my head.

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><p><strong>Yaschas Massif, 020AF. Side B.<strong>

I am one of the many Paddra Nsu-Yuels of the timeline. I am not the Yuel that was prophesied to inform the traveler of time about her powers. I am…home. My land, my people, they are gone. I am alone with Caius, awaiting for the travelers of time to come. Silence filled the air, until he spoke of a question. "Are you sure that they're here?"

I replied, "Yes, you must wait."

I am never wrong. Except Contradictions. They're wrong.

As the sands of time continue to fall, Caius and I were finding ways to dispose our Contractions. Except he was talking to himself as I listened. "I should make some surprise attack!" he exclaimed. "Then I shall stab Noel in the back once he has weakened and do the same for…."

I am at a state called "boredom." For this once, I'll try to see the future without any force. I closed my eyes and concentrated. Seeress powers activate.

—How unexpected. I found out I can check the future from my own will. I have foreseen the future that will come very soon. A bomb-type monster was passing by, just like in the vision. I warned to Caius, "It's a bomb."

"I can tell," he replied. "Don't worry, I'll rid of it." He threw a piece of ruin after charging magic for about half a second. The monster was acting strange, only moving crazily, until Caius realizes his mistake. His eyes widened with fear. "It's multi-elemental!"

Before he could dodge, the bomb detonated and he fell backwards with a high-pitched scream. I felt cactuars in my throat, feeling ticklish inside. Ashes and smoke covered Caius, but his unsatisfied face is still there. Just like in the vision I had.

I closed my eyes and saw another vision. Quickly, I stated, "Watch out." He looked around but a random rock fell from above. The soil's gravitational pull made the rock at a fast speed and make a cracking sound upon contact with Caius' head.

"You knew all along…" he whispered.

"Nope."

"Then why aren't they here yet?" he asked. I recalled that forced vision with Serah and Noel in this same spot but everything was dark.

"Ah," I mouthed.

"What?"

"I have made a mistake. They are ten years back from this time." Caius face palmed. I didn't use the visions, but I randomly said "rubble."

And a piece of rubble fell on his head, making a bump that was two millimeters high.

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><p>Hello, and thank you for reading my works. This is not a one-shot, other parts will come as well. Is there any grammar issues or any other mistakes? I don't know if this is funny enough, so this place is free for suggestions. My other stories will have to be on hold, I'm afraid. Need more time to think.<p>

...I don't know what else to say lol

-NazoLuk3


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